Shanghai transformed me. It brought to the surface something that had been lost for an uncomfortable amount of time. I can't remember if the energetic transformation was already setting into place that I felt entirely revived on our arrival or if it was a moment by moment progression occurring over a gradual period.
In Shanghai, I was reminded of old feelings... feelings I've had for the first time during our travels. Feelings I consciously knew I had been missing, lacking, longing, and seeking. The energy of the humans we met in Shanghai triggered feelings of people from my past. There were multiple individuals during this short stay who resonated with me. Heavily. Multiple.
I find it interesting that certain traits about some people can bring back memories that have been tucked away, buried deep inside. In places you can't remember how to get to.
I remember the first time I met Juana. She walked into my dorm in college, looked at me, said "You're pretty. We DO look alike! I'm Juana." Stuck out her hand and shook my hand. I'm certain that was the first time in my life another female approached me in a way intending to make me her friend without conditions - and I trusted it. In a way that was not condescending, malicious, or immature (like many young female relationships).
Juana had an energy about her. A very robust energy. There are people who walk this earth with timid spirits and evanescent influence. And that's okay. That is needed. But there are people like Juana. People whose energy is so profound, so robust, so everlasting that hearts swell when they are near. All individuals are attracted to them. Attracted to their spirit, their purity, their devotion, their depth. Juana had a vibrancy tha
t could not be replicated. A spirit that could not be quieted. She had a feeling that I have never felt again. She is imperishable.
I believe people share spiritual connections. I believe in past lives. And I believe the Universe serendipitously aligns you with souls who've been so delicately interlaced in your existence to tell you that other souls are still there - watching over you from their new form. And to tell you that you are on the right track.
I met a Dutch girl in Shanghai. Rather, she met me. She stuck out her hand in the elevator and introduced herself. Many things about this Dutch girl had the essence of Juana. Her curiosity, sincerity, gratitude, and playfulness. I was brought into a mesmerizing trance of her spirit. That another human could exist and seem so raw and so similar to Juana. She wore her heart on her sleeve. In the few days we all as a group spent with each other she showed her passion for life, her curiosity, her worries.
It had been four years in October since Juana died in a car accident. And I'm still searching for a spirit out there to replicate hers and fill that void. It makes me wonder... do we ignore heartbreak or do we actually get past it? Do we accept loss... or do we try to replace it? I think you cope with death the same amount of time you cope with life. They are both ever ending cycles. It's been four years and I'm not healed. I don't know that anyone will ever be completely healed.
I know that my search will only be fulfilled in our final meeting place. I know her spirit will never be replicated. But I'm grateful to report that six weeks into our journey, four years after her death I'm allowing myself to see the curiosity, sincerity, gratitude, and playfulness another human can hold in a similar trait to hers. I'm grateful to know that I'm getting to a place of true appreciation. I'm grateful to know that transformations are occurring - that instead of proclaiming I will never have the feeling of her essence again, I'm allowing myself to let her essence in. Again.